SO Thankful...

Its been 3 months and 3 weeks since James went to be with Jesus.. As I approach the holiday season my heart is heavy.. my heart aches.. my arms long to wrap around him and hold him tightly..and deep down inside I want to be able to Kiss him..

But Reality settles in.. I wake up each morning & the first thing I see is his side of the bed that is empty.. I run my hands over his pillow & say "Good Morning I love you" then I roll over & look at his picture on my night stand & run my finger over his face & pray that God Gives me the strength to face the day without him by my side..

Each day seems to bring a new challenge.. Each day I find myself recalling more & more memories..I find myself at work, busy with my work and a picture of him will creep into my mind.. I'll begin to picture him sitting on the edge of the bed talking on the phone rocking back & forth like he always did..

I find myself seeing him playing in bed with Dino.. play growling & rough housing & Dino would be barking back at him..

I find myself busy around the house.. & it seems like I can just hear him calling my name "RISSA" or I find myself making Dinner & I think about asking him if he wants something to go with it..

He's never far from my mind... it seems with each moment that I am awake I can sense him around me.. & There are always moments that I wish that He can be by my side doing things alongside with me..

But with Each breath I take.. Each moment that I have to be apart from him I find myself Thankful.. Thankful that he's no longer in pain.. Thankful that he's No longer suffering.. Thankful that he No longer having to worry about going blind.. Thankful that he No Longer has to give himself Insulin Shots each day..Thankful that he No Longer has to struggle with weight gain & issues due to that..

But Most of all I find myself Thankful that he is with our Creator.. Our LORD.. OUR SAVIOR.. I find myself Thankful that he's in our eternal Home.. Where one day soon I'll be with him never to part no more.. I'm Thankful that He's Healed & has been made whole.. I'm thankful that God allows him to send me Kisses from Heaven... And sweet Laughter in my dreams...

I am thankful that through this hard & difficult journey God has given me wonderful people that I call call my family.. The Family that I've found at The Carpenter's House.. The family I've found at Cross Point Community Church & the family that I've gained by marrying my best friend..

So thank you to all of you who have in many ways helped me & continue to help me on this difficult journey in my life.. Thank You Gail Hyatt for being there with me over the phone during those darkest moments of my life.. you were there for me when I needed someone the most.. No one should have to face the news of a loved one being gone to be with Jesus alone.. Thank you Twitter friends for your constant Prayers & Encouragement.. Thank You Pete Wilson for the encouragement your messages brings me when I come to Cross Point on Sunday Evenings.. Thank you Blake Bergstrom for lending me your ear.. for your constant encouragement & your constant prayer.. Thank you To my family.. for your constant love, support, phone calls & the memories that we share about James.. Thank You for the laughter that we can share as we recall the wonderful moments with James..
(there is so many of you I want to say Thank You To personally... If your name isn't listed please Know that I love you & am Thankful for your love & support as well during this journey...)

So as I prepare for bed.. & I think about the feast that I'll get to enjoy tomorrow at my Mom in Laws House.. I think about the Thanksgiving Feast that my husband is partaking in..I begin to wonder what it would be like.. & I know that it is going to be so much better then the ones that we will enjoy Tomorrow.. And Knowing that my Sweet Husband James is going to be attending a far more wonderful feast.. a feast in which my Lord & Savior will sit at... I find myself in awe.. & ever.. SO THANKFUL...

Happy Thanksgiving to you all.. May the Lord Bless each & everyone of you..

With Much Love,

It was a heart attack

It’s been 13 weeks since James passed away.. Since my sweet husband went on to be with Jesus Forever & Ever.. 13 weeks of anxiously waiting on the results from the autopsy.. Waiting with a bit of dread of what the autopsy would reveal the cause of death would be..

Well the waiting is no longer necessary… apparently they had the results a while ago… they just never informed us that they had it.. So after several phone calls we finally reached them…and they finally told us the answer to the question we’ve had for so long… What was the cause of death??

Apparently he had a heart attack while he slept, which also severely damaged his heart but thankfully he didn’t have any pain or any suffering whatsoever because he was asleep when this occured..and for that.. I am so thankful to God that God granted James his request & took him in his sleep. Just the way James prayed that God would take him..

My heart aches.. I am relieved that our main question as has been answered.. But there are still questions that remain… for me there is.. questions that I ask myself.. like why didn’t his heart doctor do more test on that Friday before he died.. Why didn’t he take my husband seriously when my husband asked him to run more tests?.. Why didn’t the doctor see that the water build up was worse then it had been before and send him to the hospital?. WHY?

But I am not in control.. God is.. God knew that this was going to take place long before it did.. God knew that this is the way that James would go to be with him.. God knew the battle my husband was struggling with day in and day out.. He knew my husband’s pain & suffering that he has gone thru in the past four years.. The endless battle that he had going on with his vision.. the worry about possibly waking up completely blind.. the struggles he had with his back injury & the pain that he dealt with daily .. God knew that James was dealing with all this & more. so he decided the best plan was to let him go home & be with him..

The way I see it.. God knew how much James could handle.. James made a statement several times that if he went blind he wouldn’t be able to handle it.. My heart broke & ached each time I heard him say that.. Maybe God knew that complete blindness was fixing to happen & knew that he couldn’t deal with it.. so he took him home before he would ever have to experience total darkness..

For that complete healing of his eyes, body & heart I am so ever thankful to God for that.. For the complete restoration of his heart that had been broken in two by some events from his past I thank God for that as well.

James Died of a Heart Attack.. James died with a damaged heart.. but the way I see it.. James has been received into Glory for eternity.. And his heart that was broken has been made whole.. & is beating.. the prefect beat that only comes from God himself

Rejoice my Dear.. for your broken heart has been healed.. your broken body has been made whole.. your broken spirit has been filled to the brim with Joy that only comes from God himself.. Rejoice for your in the presence of our almighty creator.. you no longer have to struggle day to day in this life here on earth.. Rejoice because one day soon we will be reunited.. We will be able to wrap our arms around each other & look each other in the eye again & say I love you.. and this time.. we will never part again..

I love you Baby, I miss you, but I chose to rejoice in the fact that you are in heaven & I will see you again.

All my Love,

I AM NOT ALONE

The following post is a bit lengthy.. please bear with me as I write whats been on my heart.. I appreciate all of your love & support that you've given me.. May God Bless you all richly!

Its been 10 weeks since James went to be with Jesus… 10 weeks of somehow finding a balance on this new journey on this road called LIFE.. I go to work. To stay busy. Why? Because I need to think about something else besides coming home on August 10^th and finding my husband Gone to be with the Lord.I need something to focus on so my mind doesn’t constantly picture the way I found him in bed. Yes he was sleeping & went Peacefully. But the fear that held my heart that night as I tried many times to get him to wake up. Still grips my heart from time to time as I recall that night in my mind. I keep calling his name so many times, shaking him gently and then a little harder hoping deep down that he was just in a really deep sleep & that any moment his eyes would open to let me know that he was okay…

I keep recalling the moments waiting for the paramedic to come out of the bedroom. My friend Gail was on the phone with me. Trying to get me to calm down as I waited for word on what was going on with my sweet husband… Bless Gail’s heart. She was the receiver of my many cries & screams as they informed me that he didn’t have a pulse and that there was nothing more they could do for him. I told Gail what they told me and got off the phone with her to begin again trying to get in contact with my family.

After about 15 mins. I finally got ahold of everyone on James’s side of the family.. Told Kevin my oldest stepson that I needed him & Daniel to come be with me.. & then called My Mother In law to inform her.. Those were the hardest phone calls I’ve ever had to make..

My husband’s friend came to be with me & stayed with me as the EMT’s & Sheriff’s Dept took care of James.They moved me into the kitchen where I couldn’t see anything. And I talked with the Detective who was handling everything…answering his questions well trying to refrain from crying hysterically…

I asked to see James before they took him to have the autopsy done but the detective felt it was better that I didn’t. I hated that I couldn’t see him before they took him.

My family arrived; I got to see my then 6-month-old niece for the first time ever. I was sad that it had to be under these circumstances that I was just getting to see & hold her. I was sad that James wouldn’t be able to hold her.

Thank God for my Mom & sister… they stayed with me here at the house while we begin to make arrangements. I kept myself holed up in our bedroom. I was on his computer looking over pictures. & Picking out pictures to use for the funeral. I kept myself in the room where I felt at peace the Most. While my Mom & Sister kept themselves preoccupied cleaning the rest of my house in case I had a lot of company afterwards.

I received hundreds of tweets & emails from people who were praying for my family & me…
I received phone calls from my friends here around home & friends that I hadn’t talked to in awhile. Phone calls to see if there was anything I needed. All I could say was just pray, when what I really wanted to say was could you pray that God gives me my husband back?

Before I knew it the Day of the Funeral arrived. I was dreading it so much. I got myself dressed up & up my makeup on. Trying to make myself look pretty for my sweet husband. Just wishing that I could get to hear him say, “I love you” one last time. Wishing with all my might that I could feel his arms around me.

Finally I am at the funeral home. I stand by his casket. Running my hands through his hair & his beard. Wishing that at any moment his eyes would open & his face would light up in a smile as if to say “Gotcha”, wishing with all my heart that this was just a bad joke. Not that James would pull a joke like this.

The service begins & Bro. Johnny reads a letter that James had wrote him back right before we got married. I knew that he was emailing Bro. Johnny but had no idea about this letter. I go up to the casket one last time. Bro. Johnny gives me the letter to take home, after slipping it in my purse; I run my hand through his hair one last time. & Lean in to kiss his lips one last time before they close the casket. I tell him "I love you"

I step into the other room but I can still see the casket lid… the funeral director asks if I would like one more visit, with tears streaming down my face I shake my head. They begin to close the casket lid & I can hear myself crying & feel my knees begin to give under me. I feel arms wrap around me & my niece Misty pulls me up & holds me as I watch them close the lid. “GOD WHY” my heart cries.

They take us to his plot & lower him in the ground. I stay in my seat. Unwilling to move until his casket is fully covered in dirt.

The Journey begins. Moving forward. Going through each day without my beloved by my side. Facing difficult decisions alone. Facing breakdowns alone. Trying to figure things out. ALONE.

But then in the quiet as I pray for God’s Grace & Strength to hold me up through the difficult moments. In those moments where I find myself staying busy & surrounding myself with family, close friends & my Church Family. I realize that
I AM NOT ALONE on this journey. there may be moments in the darkest times of this journey that it may seem that way.. But I know what I have to do. All I have to do is Call his name; it’s the sweetest name there is. The Name JESUS.

And that’s now I know. I am never ever ALONE….

I Choose to Praise Him

Its been 2 months.. 2 long months since My sweet Husband James Went to be with Jesus..2 months of developing a somewhat semi normal routine for now..2 months of waking up alone wishing I could roll over and find him staring at me & I wishing I could kiss him when I wake up..

2 months of waiting.. waiting to hear the results of the Autopsy that we still haven’t gotten back.. 2 months of wondering if maybe.. just maybe there was something we could have done to prevent him from dying.. but deep down inside.. I know that it was his time to go home. deep down I know that it was time for God to Heal him but God decided to heal him in the way he saw more fitting.. He decided to take him home & allow him to experience complete healing.. from the top of his head to the soles of his feet.. He’s healed.. He’s made whole.. He can see now.. things that he’s missed for the past 5 years., and he can now enjoy in fullness the things that he has NEVER seen before. He’s able to run, jump & do things that he’s not been able to do in years.. He’s been made whole.. Thank you for that Lord..

I’m missing James like crazy.. I hate waking up to find his pillow damp from my tears.. I hate waking up to find his side of the bed empty. I hate coming home from work & realizing that the house is empty & quiet. I hate it that Dino doesn’t have his daddy to play with while I work. I hate it that I don’t have James here to pick on me when I cook or clean the house.. I miss him being around to cheer me up when I am having a bad day.. I miss knowing that I had him to go home to at the end of a long day at work.. I miss being able to
spend my days off with him, sleeping in and waking up to finding him watching me sleep. Him telling me that he loves me and then putting his arms around me as we take in the first moments of the day together..

I miss the life that I had with my husband.. I miss going to visit our family.. going to sit at mama’s house for the afternoon on Sundays and just sitting around & talking with mama.. I miss going to see the grandbabies & hearing him pick on both of the boys.. oh lord I can hear him now..

There is so much that I miss about Life with James.. So much that I had hoped that we would be able to do together but we won’t now that he’s in Heaven.. but I press forward each day focusing on the fact that he would want me to enjoy each moment as God give it to me.. He would want me to go forward taking in each new day that God has for me.. He would want me to live each day to the fullest.

As each day comes & passes.. my pain & grief seem to be more & more each day.. at times seeming so unbearable.. how can I move forward.. how can I face each moment in my life without my best friend by my side.. How can I look forward to family events & everyday life without him being with me. These are questions that I play over & over in my mind constantly..

But in my heart I know the truth.. the truth that my heavenly father is giving me the strength & grace to face each moment as it comes.. He gives me the strength & grace to face each new decision I have to make, he gives me the strength & grace to face each challenge with my head held up high.

It’s a new day.. my husband may not be here next to me in body.. but he is in spirit.. He may not be here to hold me when I am sad and crying.. I may not be able to hear him say “I Love You” but I know that as he looks down from heaven he’s sending me ways to tell me those things..

My Husband is Healed.. he’s in Heaven having the time of his life.. He’s getting to feast off the table of my KING. He’s able to be in my KINGS court & sing praises to him.. He’s able to see God for who he is & is able to understand things that I don’t..
But for that… I am ever so thankful..

My husband is healed... I’m at church.. the worship music is playing over me.. the singers are pouring out their praise to God.. my heart floods with love & passion for my KING.. with tears running down my face I slip my shoes off and I slip out of my pew and move to the front.. I lift my hands towards heaven & begin to dance.. I choose to praise him..

With Much Love,

My Heart Aches

It’s been one month since I came home & found that my sweet Husband had gone to be with Jesus..
4 long hard weeks.. 4 weeks that have been filled with grief.. filled with sadness. I am longing for my love.. And there are nights that my pillows are soaking wet with my tears… There are nights where Dino is trying to lick my face but because of my grief & sorrow I push him away just so I can cry…and call out to God to please just let this be a really bad dream.

But I know that my Lord isn’t one to make mistakes in any way.. That this was supposed to happen. This is supposed to be his will.

But I don’t understand.. WHY? Why would God take my best friend away from me? Why would he leave me here to face this world alone?.

I know that I am not alone.. I’m not alone in this long walk that I have ahead of me.. but there are moments where it certainly feels that way.

I have moments of up & down, moments where I want to be around people & feel like being sociable,, and moments where I just want to be alone so I can reflect on my sweet handsome man who knew how to make me smile, how to make me laugh, & knew the deepest desires of my heart.

I have moments where I sit with the TV on but I have my laptop in my lap & I replay home videos over & over so I can memorize the sound of his voice.. I have moments where I gaze & stare at pictures so I can memorize every feature of his beautiful face..
And moments where I replay the voicemails I have saved over & over just so I can hear him say “I love you” once more.

4 years ago I met & fell in Love with James.. 4 years later after falling in love, dating, & marrying my best friend I can honestly say if I had to do it over again.. I wouldn’t change a thing..

I’m at peace with the knowledge that He passed in his sleep & didn’t suffer. I’m at peace with the fact that God Granted him his prayer & took him home in his sleep.. I’m at peace knowing that he’s up in heaven waiting for me to be called home or waiting for Jesus to sound that trumpet..

I am blessed.. Blessed knowing that the last words I told my husband before leaving for work that morning on August 10th 2009 were “I LOVE YOU” & he told me “I LOVE YOU” back.

But even then knowing all I know.. Knowing that He loved me & still does.. Knowing that Jesus took him without him suffering & knowing that I got to tell him “I Love You” before he passed.. My heart still aches.. My heart still longs for my best friend to be by my side, but deep down I know that he is.. not in body.. but his spirit is with me. So I must rest tonight with the knowledge that my strength lays in the arms of my Almighty God.. & its there in those arms I find Peace..
Peace that my husband is with my Savior & Peace that God will bring me through.
Just one Step at a time..

Much Love,

Rest in Peace my Love

God Gives & He Takes Away

But my heart chooses to say.. Blessed be the name of the Lord

These are the hardest words I’ve ever had to write.. I never ever thought that I would have to write this.. But God had different plans then what my husband & me had in mind. But then again. That’s how God is..

I didn’t know that God had plans to take my husband home with him Monday afternoon.. I didn’t know that he had plans to make me a widow at the age of 24..

James & I went to the Heart Dr on Friday because he’s been having some discomfort again.. The doctor told us it was water build up & gave him a lasix shot at the office.. and sent us home..

Saturday & Sunday he didn’t feel well.. mostly his normal complaints about back hurting.. With maybe mentioning once on Sunday that his heart acted weird once..

Monday morning came.. I was busy getting ready for work.. Had coffee & bible time & couldn’t hear him.. he was sleepy like.. Sitting on the edge of the bed drifting off every now & then.. Then right before I left I talked to him for a couple minutes.. He laid back down & I kissed him bye & told him I loved him.. and said it again right before I walked out the door.. this time he signed it back in sign language..

I called him during each break at work. With no response back.

I was worried.. But not to bad because I knew that he usually slept while I was at work.. When I didn’t hear anything back by 6 pm that night.. I had a feeling maybe he was just resting more & was ignoring the phone & waiting for me to get off to talk.. Like he sometimes does…but I was wrong.. So wrong..

After I got off I checked my phone.. His best friend had called me & was concerned too.. I quickly got my stuff & rushed to our SUV.. I arrived home 10 mins later & found my sweet husband in bed unconscious.. I called 911 & they came & they couldn’t do anything for him.. The first thing I asked the Paramedic as soon as he came out of the bedroom was “does he have a pulse?” He said “NO" & that he had already been gone for some time. He went to be with Jesus at some point during the day while I was at work.

Do I hate the fact that my husband Is no longer with me.. Yes I do. Do I want him back with me? Yes I do. Each & every moment that I am awake I wish I could have him back., but that’s not my Lord’s will at all..

Am I thankful that my husband passed on in his sleep.. Oh yes I most certainly am glad that God granted my husband that prayer.

When he was young he saw his Aunt die gasping & wheezing for breath till she died & that scared him. So It was James’s desire to go to be with the Lord in his sleep & God took him that way & for that I am ever so thankful..

But the pain is still there.. I miss my husband so terribly, but deep down inside I know that he wouldn’t want to come back even if God allowed him to.. He’s no longer hurting or suffering from all those things that he’s been battling with for so long..

I know James is enjoying Heaven.. I know he’s up there with Daddy, Grandma & so many others who I know that have gone on before us.

My dear sweet one..

I miss you so bad.. I want you with me but I know that God wanted you home for some reason. Please Know that I love you so very much… Thank you for your love, your family & for giving me two incredible sons who have been doing a wonderful job of caring for me..

I hope your enjoying Heaven & please remember.. I love you soo very much.. I’ll see you again. Soon I hope, but meanwhile. Wait for me. And rest in peace my love..

With all my love,

Check out this (in)Courage group.. So worth it!

Today has been a rather crazy out of the ordinary Sunday.. if you ask my opinion that what I would tell you anyways.. Things have been crazy since the time I woke up.. maybe that had something to do with the fact that I stayed up till 4 am to clean because I worked till 11 pm and Lord it takes forever to get winded down.. especially after working a shift like I did.. Tax free weekend + lots of shoppers = cashiers & customer service Reps going crazy trying to serve everyones needs & get customers checked out fast & effectively.. no small feat on my part.. just wound me up & I was like the Energizer bunny... I kept going & going.. You get the point.. I am sure my coworkers will be glad for it to be over in about a hour..

4 hours of sleep.. waking up nearly late for church.. but was blessed with just 1 baby in nursery..& was blessed with lots of fellowship time with his sweet mama who works in the nursery with me.. I am soo looking forward to next week at Carpenter's House.. Next week I start working with the kids on doing their first song in Sign Language.. We're doing "Friend Of GOD".. I think the kids are pumped & so am I.. but we have 2 weeks to pull it off.. because we are doing it on AUG 30 for Family Day at church.. but I think we'll be fine..

Plus I wanted to give you a heads up on something exciting that's taking place tomorrow..I just found out that a handful of my favorite people.. and favorite bloggers are taking part in (in)Courage.. a project that's being launched by Dayspring (the Christian Division of Hallmark) that's aimed at helping Christian Women connect over the web.. & like I said.. a Handful of my FAVORITE bloggers have been selected to be apart of this.. please please go check out the (in)Courage site.. & My Friend's Blogs who are helping with this.. Here is the list of my Friend's Blogs

Angie Smith- Many of you know her as Todd Smith's (of SELAH) wife & the mommy to Sweet Audrey Caroline who went home to be with Jesus Last year.. She's a Huge inspiration to me & Hope to meet her face to face & her wonderful Family one day SOON! She's also in the process of writing her first Book.. so please cover her in prayer during this time..

Anne Jackson- She works at Crosspoint Church & is the author of Mad Church Disease.. and is in the process of writing another book called Permission to Speak Freely.. I've have the honor of meeting her at Crosspoint Church & she's just as AWESOME in person as she is online & on her blog. Go give her a shout out on her blog.. & check out how you can help her write her new book Permission to Speak Freely.

Robin- she went on the Compassion Bloggers Mission trip with Pete Wilson, Angie Smith, & Anne Jackson & several others that went to India for 14 days to minister & see their Kids that they Sponsor through Compassion International. I Follow her on twitter & she's a Blast.. & is a wonderful friend.. even though I only know her ONLINE..

Jessica Turner- wife to Matthew Paul Turner who wrote Churched & mommy to Elias Jude.. She's a creative person.. & enjoys scrapbooking & photography like me & she has wonderful tips & advice & has a sweet little boy.. I would love to meet her & Matthew in person too..

I pray that's all of them.. I did go to (in)Courage to make sure I wasn't missing anyone.. so if you would please go check out the site & check out my friends Blogs tomorrow as this launches.. I am sure you will be inspired, loved & will more than likely will find a family of wonderful Christian Women who use the talents that GOD has given them to speak to you & forever transform your life..

May Peace surround you tonight & forever from Jesus Christ Whom all blessings flow..